There aren’t too many places where you can waltz through the doors like you own the place, grab whatever you want from the shelves, and saunter out to the street without paying a dime.

But in the land of…freedom…where socialism is…the mistress of Satan, you can still do it in your paid-for-by-taxes, public library.

There’s just one problem.

Those of us afflicted with Acute Indecision Syndrome are downright incapable of choosing a single book from the stacks.

So here’s what I do every time I visit the library. And so far, nobody seems to bat an eye or even snort a bibliophile snort.

The Library Spazzout

Materials:

1 library card
Tote bag(s) or suitcase on wheels
A very good calendar

Step 1: Head to the front desk of the library and find out how many books you’re allowed to borrow at a time. At the Boca Raton Public Library, it is 50. Fifty!

Step 2: Head to your favorite section of the library and grab whatever the heck you want. Go crazy. Go nuts. Go random. Go really random.

Step 3: Judge books by their covers - why not? Publishers spend so much time and money creating covers that will appeal to exactly the right type of reader, so take advantage of all that market research.

CASE STUDY OF COVER JUDGING (BY MOI):

Ew. No.

Aww. Sure. Why not.

No thank you.

Cutie patootie!

Now was that really so sinful? Nope.

Step 4: Bring your books to the circulation desk to check out. And don’t worry - the librarians won’t be annoyed with you. They’ll be grateful! You see, many libraries have to prove to their donors that the library is indeed getting used. So they are always thrilled when patrons take home lots and lots of books!

Step 5: Carefully log the due date(s) of your books so you don’t forget to return or renew them like a good little patron. If you don’t, you will face some hefty fines—especially on those 14-day borrows or on anything that has a hold placed on it.

Step 6: Start reading. If you don’t like one of the items you brought home, do not waste your time finishing it. (If you’re like me, you won’t like at least 80% of the books you grabbed.) There are so many extraordinary stories just waiting for your ready heart.

(I know, I know, some of you think a reader has some kind of moral obligation to finish a book, no matter what kind of drivel it may contain. I DO NOT UNDERSTAND YOU, but by all means, please, make your case in the comments below.

Step 7: Return your books, and repeat!

Where To Use The Spazzout: I find The Spazzout works especially well in the children’s section of the library because there are SO many wonderful children’s books that get buried away over time. This is a great way to move beyond the more well-known award-winners or the familiar Fancy Nancies.

When To Use The Spazzout: Well, all the time, duh, but for starters, you can do it at the holidays and make this cool advent calendar: